Arthur arrives at Buster's house and knocks on the door. Buster answers and is pleased to see his best friend.

Buster: Hey, Arthur. I was just about to make a baloney pizza. Want some?

Arthur: No thanks, Buster. I've actually got to talk to you about something.

Buster: Huh? What is it? Come inside.

Arthur steps in and sits down on the couch across from Buster.

Buster: So what's up? Is it about the new Bionic Bunny comic book? Because I saw a commercial and --

Arthur: Buster...

Buster sees that it's something serious. He sits down across from Arthur, who sighs.

Arthur: Remember last night after we finished playing Dark Bunny at my house? And your mom came to pick you up?

Buster: Yeah. What about it?

Arthur: Do you know why she was in my room with me for such a long time?

Buster: Yeah, she said she was getting my sleeping bag and toys. And since I'm so messy it took her a while to get it all together. And you were helping her. I can't argue that, I'm pretty messy.

Arthur: *sigh* Well, she wasn't packing your things. And I wasn't helping. We were doing...something else.

Buster: Something else?

Arthur: Well, at first we were packing up your things. She was across the room getting your Bionic Bunny comics. She was bending over getting them all together and I looked over and saw her...her...behind. And it made me feel things that I'd never felt before. Good things. Things I never felt around MY mom for sure. I don't know what it was.

Arthur has tears rolling down his cheeks now.

Arthur: Then she said, "I'll show you more...a lot more." And she led me over to my bed, where she started taking her clothes off until she was completely naked.

Buster: What?! Why would she do that?

Arthur: It only got worse. Then she took off my clothes. I couldn't do anything, I was scared. She started...doing things. Then I heard my mom asking what was taking so long and so she rushed downstairs with your stuff. I couldn't move for ten minutes.

Arthur looks down

Arthur: That's what happened.

Buster is silent, expressionless. He slowly stands up, eyes having never left Arthur, and walks over to him.

Buster: Arthur..you...

Arthur looks up at Buster. It's silent for a minute. Then Buster's hands are around Arthur's neck, choking him. Arthur struggles, tries to pry Buster off, but years of eating anything humanly edible have given him some sort of freak strength.

Buster: You slept with my mom you little shithead!

Arthur struggles, his punches and kicks slowing down as his breathing stops, and he blacks out.

Arthur comes to in a torture room. He is strung from the ceiling by both hands, clothes AWOL. Intense pressure on his shoulders means they've probably been dislocated by his body weight. His vision is fuzzy without his glasses, but he can make out the white outline of someone familiar.

Buster: Hello, Arthur.

The white outline comes closer to him and comes into clearer focus. It's now clear that Buster is in a Gestapo uniform from the World War II era. He stands smiling.

Buster: As you can see, I don't take my best friends screwing my mom lightly.

Arthur: Buster....no, it wasn't my fault. Please...

Buster: You talk a lot now. Couldn't say something when you were an inch deep in my mom, shithead?!

Buster walks over to the wall and picks up a tube-shaped fluorescent light bulb leaning against it. He runs at Arthur and swings, shattering the light against Arthur's back. Arthur screams as pieces of glass are embedded into his back, allowing steady tributaries of blood to drip to pool beneath his feet.

Buster: Huh, shithead?! Was she good?! Was she worth it?! TELL ME!

Another light bulb, and another set of screams. Arthur sees through blurred vision the white outlines of several long light bulbs against the wall. Buster could keep this up for a while if he wanted.

Buster: You know, it's not really that you did her that annoys me. It's that you come to my house, my place of residence, and say it like I should fucking pity you. What do you think I am, shithead, some kinda punk?! DO YA?!

Smash. Shatter. Scream. Arthur pants hard.

Arthur: Buster....please...no more...

Buster: That only makes me wanna hit you more, you idiot!

Another smash and shatter followed by a scream. Arthur starts full-out crying.

Arthur: Owww...Mommy...Mommy, help...

Buster: Why do you want your mommy? SO YOU CAN FUCK HER, TOO?!

Smash. Shatter. Scream.

Arthur hangs limply, weeping softly to himself. The door to the torture room opens and in walks Francine Frensky.

Buster: Francine, did you get everything ready?

Francine: Yup. Got their favorite music, favorite food, favorite restaurant, the date's all set.

Buster smiles and turns to Arthur. Grabs his head.

Buster: You hear that, dickface? Do you know what Francine's gonna do?

Arthurs continues weeping.

Buster: Since you love screwing my parents so much, I'm gonna have Francine screw yours.

Arthur looks up.

Arthur: No...not my dad...stay away from him...

Buster: Don't worry, nobody's going near your dad. See, Francine's not gonna fuck your dad, she's gonna fuck your mom.

Arthur's eyes go wide. Buster does a demonic laugh and motions for Francine to go. She nods and exits.

Arthur: What? No...that'll never work...

Buster: Francine's good, don't underestimate her. What's wrong, Arty boy? Do you feel...helpless? Betrayed? Angry? Like the little bitch you are?

Buster lands a perfect backhand bitch-slap across Arthur's cheek, causing him to spit out blood.

Buster: Well, you should. 'Cause when Francine beds your mom and you know how it feels to get screwed by your best friend I'm gonna laugh my ass off. Actually, you're mom's the real one getting screwed, don'tcha think?

Buster laughs and walks towards the exit. As a final thought, he whips around and plants a Gestapo boot deep in Arthur's groin. Arthur let's out his loudest scream but is powerlessly unable to massage the affected area. Buster laughs and walks out, throwing up his finger behind his back.

A fancy restaurant. Silk draped on the tables and tastefully over the windows. An orgy of money that extends to silverware made of actual silver. It's through this restaurant that Francine leads Arthur Read's mother.

Mrs. Read: So why did your dad want to meet me, Francine? I'm kind of busy.

Francine: He said it was pretty urgent. Since you're an accountant he wanted to consult with you about the financial advantages of using eco-friendly garbage trucks. Or so he said.

Mrs. Read: Hmm, that does sound important. I guess I can cancel my meeting to help out a friend.

They arrive at the table. Francine pulls out Mrs. Read's chair for her and graciously motions for her to take a seat.

Mrs. Read: Oh, thank you, Francine. I didn't think any kids these days had such good manners.

She takes her seat and Francine crosses around to sit across from her. A waiter brings over a bottle of wine and pours some for Mrs. Read.

Mrs. Read: Oh, no. I shouldn't drink around a child. It wouldn't be a good example.

Francine: Don't worry, Mrs. Read. They teach us all about that at school. I'm off drugs and alcohol for life.

Mrs. Read: Well, if you're certain. Where is your father?

Francine: He said he'd be running late. That's why he told me to stay with you so you wouldn't leave before he got here.

Mrs. Read: Alright. Guess I could have some wine to calm my nerves while we wait. Such a stressful day it's been...

Francine: You can tell me all about it. I'm a great listener.

The waiter pours Mrs. Read a glass of wine. She thanks him and takes a sip.

Mrs. Read: Really? Well, the office is choatic. New management and all. Can't even find an ink cartridge for the printer and fax. Lost me three deals today.

Francine nods and listens. Mrs. Read continues to sip wine.

Back in the torture room, Arthur breathes hard, hanging limply.

Arthur: *thinking* I've got to get out of here somehow...he really beat the shit out of me though...I can barely move. And this rope isn't helping.

Arthur looks up and sees that the rope is tied around a pipe that's hanging at an odd angle.

Arthur: *thinking* Hmm...if I pull this way...

He pulls to the left and the pipe comes loose with a metallic clang. He crumples to the floor but manages to catch the pipe before it strikes the floor and makes more noise. Arduously pulling himself up he looks at the pipe.

Arthur: Should make a good weapon.

He walks to the door and inches it open just a crack. Peers out into the hall.

Arthur: Hmm...coast is clear for now. Better hurry, Mom's probably already with Francine by now.

Arthur bolts out of the room butt naked. Apparently it was a storage shed behind Lakewood Elementary School. He runs past the playground, where a couple kids see him all beat up and his crotch bleeding from Buster's kick.

Kid: Damn...I want some of the ass THAT guy got.

Arthur: I need to get some clothes. I'll get nowhere like this.

He sees Mr. Ratburn walking towards the entrance of the school, books in hand.

Arthur: That's a nice suit...tweed, huh? My favorite.

Arthur follows Ratburn into the school. It's recess, so there are no students around. Arthur quietly stalks Ratburn, watching, pipe held ready. Ratburn makes a left and enters his classroom.

Arthur looks into the classroom and sees Ratburn putting the books onto a shelf near his desk, back turned. Vulnerable, waiting to be hunted. Cannibalistic, Arthur growls and runs into the room with the pipe raised above his head. Ratburn turns at the sound of the growl.

Ratburn: Arthur? Dear God, where are your clothes!?

Some pretty shitty last words for Ratburn, eh? Arthur slams the pipe down between Ratburn's eyes. Ratburn screams, staggers back with his face in hand. Arthur raises the pole once again and swings it down full force to meet the back of Ratburn's head. With a metal thud Ratburn falls to the floor. But he'd not dead yet.

Arthur: Gimme your clothes, mother --

Ratburn grabs Arthur's ankles. Pulls and causes Arthur to fall flat on his back, the pole flying out from his grasp and landing a few yards away. Ratburn clutches his head and staggers up to his feet, walks shakily towards the door. Arthur coughs, wind knocked out of him, but he pulls himself up and runs to Ratburn's desk. Opening the first drawer, he finds a confiscated yo-yo.

Arthur: Remember this, Ratburn!?

Arthur catches up to Ratburn and loops the yo-yo around his neck. Pulls the string taut, Ratburn gagging and coughing.

Arthur: You confiscated this yo-yo from me...I wasn't even playing with it. It just fell out of my bookbag and you had to be a giant WANG about it and take it from me. And whose side do you think my parents took when I told them about it: the kid or the teacher? Huh, Ratburn!?

Arthur keeps the string tight until Ratburn stops kicking. His arms fall down by his sides. Head rolls around limply on his neck. Arthur lets him drop.

Arthur: Looks like I took two things from you today Ratburn: my yo-yo and your pathetic, sex-depraved life.

Arthur proceeds to remove Ratburn's clothes and put them on. In the pocket he finds a twenty dollar bill and a coupon for a free milkshake at the Sugar Bowl.

Arthur: I'm gonna snack on your pain, bitch.

He drags Ratburn's body and hides it under his desk. Pockets his yo-yo and strolls casually out into the hall.

Arthur: Okay...now to go help my mom before that slut Francine gives her the clap.

Back at the restaurant, it's getting close to closing time and Mrs. Read is flat-out tanked on wine. She slumps over the table with a drunken half-smile, top two buttons of her blouse unbuttoned. A hint of a white lace bra is visible.

Mrs. Read: I always tell Dave, "The Kama Sutra was written ages ago...in like 1987 or something...80s sex isn't like today sex...but he just doesn't like going in the back door...you know what I mean?

Francine: Yeah, yeah I do, Mrs. Read. And let me say...I'm a HUGE fan of the back door.

Mrs. Read throws her head back and laughs. Keeps her head back.

Mrs. Read: Wow...what a captivating ceiling...

Francine: Oh yeah, she's wasted. Time for the kill...

Mrs. Read brings her head back down and notices that her wineglass is empty. She turns it upside down, scrounging out the last few drops.

Francine: Mrs. Read, could you come to the bathroom with me?

Mrs. Read: What...why?

Francine: That's how we do it in school. We always take a buddy so we come back okay. You wouldn't want the legal troubles that come from me getting kidnapped here, would you? While you were supposed to be watching me?

Mrs. Read: No, guess not. Alright, lead the way. I've got to take a MONSTER piss after all that wine anyway...

Francine leads Mrs. Read to the women's bathroom. Enters one stall as Mrs. Read enters another. Francine reaches into her pocket and removes a small two-way radio.

Francine: *whispering* Buster, do you read me?

Buster: *over radio* Yeah, Francine, go ahead. What's the situation?

Francine: I've got her loaded and we're in the bathroom. I'm about to make my move. Make sure you keep Arthur away from this place.

Buster: No problem. I beat the shit out of him pretty bad. I'll be suprised if he can walk, let alone take down Mr. Ratburn and steal one of his ugly-ass tweed suits.

Francine: Nobody would steal those. I saw him do a solo on his "flute" in that suit once. And it's the only one he ever wears.

Buster: Ugh. Mental picture. Just get going, the restaurant closes in 30 minutes.

Francine pockets the radio and peers under the divider of the stall. Mrs. Read sits with her pants and panties around her ankles.

Mrs. Read: Oh, man, I was holding back a gallon or two easy...

Francine inches down and crawls under the stall divider into Mrs. Read's stall. Mrs. Read is sitting with her head back and eyes closed. She's since stopped urinating.

Francine: My God...it's okay. I am a professional. I can do this.

Francine goes for it. Mrs. Read's heads bolts up.

Mrs. Read: My God, Francine! What are you doing?!

Francine looks up.

Mrs. Read: Lower.

Francine shakes her head and resumes.

Mrs. Read: Oh yeah...eat it, Dave! An 8-year-old gives it better than you do!

Arthur runs down the street in Elwood City. The sun is starting to set.

Arthur: No use. The restaurant's across town. I won't make it just by running. I'm gonna need a ride...

Arthur spots a limousine coming down the road.

Arthur: That's gotta be Muffy. Nobody else with that much money lives in a town this shitty.

Arthur runs into the middle of the street. Motions for the limo to stop. Once it does he runs around to the side where a window rolls open. Muffy peers out and sees who it is.

Muffy: Ohh...hello, Arthur.

She blushes.

Arthur: Muffy, I need a ride. Do you think you could drop me off at that really expensive restaurant across town?

Muffy: Oh, you want to eat? I wouldn't mind eating with you, you know. So you don't have to eat alone. It's never as fun to eat alone.

Arthur: Cut the innuendo, my mom's in trouble. She's over there right now. Look, I'll explain it all later, but right now I really need a ride over there.

Muffy: Sure, Arthur. Anything for you. We'll talk on the way over, get in. *to her driver* Bailey, to the expensive restaurant across town. Hurry.

Arthur climbs in and shuts the door as the limo starts up again. Muffy scoots closer to Arthur on the seat. Puts her hand over Arthur's. Arthur pulls away.

Arthur: What're you doing?

Muffy: Whoops. My hand must've slipped.

Arthur sits uneasily, looking out of the window. Muffy scoots closer.

Muffy: Arthur, you never call.

Arthur: Well, calling my ex-girlfriends isn't really at the top of my to-do list.

Muffy: Arthur, you've changed.

Arthur: Maybe that's why we broke up.

Muffy: No, we broke up because I got pregnant and you didn't want to commit.

Arthur: Let it go. It was years ago, and that kid's with a good foster family now.

Muffy: But I still love you!

Arthur: Oh, not this shit again.

Muffy: You were my first!

Arthur: Big deal. You weren't mine.

Muffy: Don't you love me?

Arthur: No, that's the point I've been trying to make for 3 fucking years!

Muffy: *eyes filling with tears* Don't you love me at all!?

Arthur: Are you deaf, bitch!? That's what I've been saying for 3 FUCKING YEARS! Jesus, get off my damn back!

Muffy: Well maybe if YOU'D done that I would've never gotten pregnant!

Arthur: IF YOU DON'T WANNA GET FUCKING PREGNANT THEN KEEP YOUR FUCKING LEGS CLOSED! IT'S NOT ROCKET SURGERY, YOU DUMB HO!

Muffy: Bailey, stop the car. Arthur's getting off here.

Arthur: You should be glad. This is the first time you've made me get off in 3 years.

A few minutes later, Arthur stands on the sidewalk as the limo pulls away.

Arthur: shit, I should've sucked it up so I could've at least gotten a ride out of her. Gotta find some other way...

Back at the restaurant, Mrs. Read is exposed and Francine is going at her.

Mrs. Read: Oh yeah. Do that whirlybird thing again...

The door to the bathroom creaks open and a voice calls out.

Employee: Excuse me? Are the two girls I saw go in still here? Just to let you know, the restaurant is closing in five minutes. Please hurry, everyone has to be off the premises by closing time.

Francine looks up at Mrs. Read. Mrs. Read mouths a word. Francine smiles.

The word she mouths is, "Threesome."

Employee: Hello? Are you two here?

Mrs. Read: Yes, we're here. But could you help me? I seem to have dropped my wedding ring around here and I can't find it.

Employee: Hm? Wedding ring? Where did you drop it?

The employee begins to walk toward the stall. Francine stands, slowly unlocks the stall door.

Mrs. Read: It was right outside. Near the sink.

The employee is confused but bends to look under the sink. In a flash, Francine pulls open the stall door and yanks the employee by his belt. She turns him around and pushes him to the floor as they begin to make out.

Employee: What the....mmm, oh yeah...jailbait for the win...

Mrs. Read comes up behind, fully nude now, and reaches under Francine towards the employee's crotch.

Employee: Whoa! Who else is down there!?

NOTE: At this point some explicit sexual activity occurs, so I will substitute in a metaphor. Use your imagination.

Mrs. Read gets to the bottom of the ice cream snowman and begins to lick it.

Mrs. Read: Ice cream is amazing!

Francine continues to eat at the head of the snowman. Mrs. Read takes a popsicle from the ice cream snowman's body and begins to suck it. Popsicles are a great treat and fun to eat in the summertime!

Mrs. Read: Mmm, delicious! I love popsicles! All different flavors, from chocolate to vanilla!

The ice cream snowman has a VERY happy look on his face. He can't speak. Of course, this is because he is a snowman.

NOTE: Return to scenario.

Mrs. Read and Francine stand up, leaving the employee frozen on the floor with a permanent smile. Mrs. Read puts her clothes back on and adjusts herself in the mirror.

Mrs. Read: I've picked up a few new moves, Francine. I haven't come like that in years.

Francine: No problem, Mrs. Read. It was my pleasure.

They both walk out of the bathroom, leaving the employee on the floor.

It's night time now. Arthur knows the restaurant is closed, and either his mother got away or was sexed up by a disease-infested slut.

Arthur: I guess it's best just to get home. Damn it, if only Muffy weren't such a bitch.

Arthur begins to walk home. Halfway there, he runs into Binky and his bully friends.

Binky: Oh, hey, Arthur. What's up? You look pissed at something.

Arthur: Francine most likely just had sex with my mom.

Binky: That's pretty hot.

Arthur: Now I know how Buster feels...which was the real point of his plan all along. But dammit, I just hate for him to win. He did this to my mom on purpose. I only did his mom because she came onto ME.

Binky: Really? You did his mom? No fucking way!

Bully 1: Yeah, I've been trying to tap that for years.

Arthur: She caught me looking at her rack and it just went from there.

Bully 1: I've looked at a bunch of racks. I never get any.

Binky: Damn. So Buster sent Francine to do your mom to get back at you for doing his mom?

Arthur: Pretty much, yeah. I was trying to get to the restaurant where they were and stop them but it's too late.

Binky: Well, there's only one thing left to do then. Beat down Buster's punk ass.

Arthur: I would like to, but I'm not up to it right now. I'm just gonna go home and get some sleep.

Binky: If you say so, man. But whenever you decide to get back at him you come get us.

Arthur: I will, thanks.

Arthur arrives home and looks for his mom. He only finds his dad watching TV.

Arthur: Dad, has mom come home yet?

Mr. Read: No. She's probably still out discussing economical garbage trucks with Mr. Frensky.

Arthur: Uh...huh.

Arthur climbs upstairs and heads to his room. D.W. stands in her doorway, hands on hips.

D.W.: There you are, Arthur! What were you doing out so late!? Do I have to tell Dad!?

Arthur: D.W., just hurry up and change your name to 'Butch' so we can all rest. Jesus.

Arthur slams his door. He climbs into bed and goes to sleep. The next morning he comes downstairs for breakfast, his mom still nowhere in sight. His dad is on the phone asking of her whereabouts. Arthur sits down with his oatmeal and glances at the newspaper.

He spits his oatmeal out all over the floor and Pal comes up and eats it. His eyes are fixed on the newspaper's headline: "LAKEWOOD ELEMENTARY TEACHER FOUND DEAD BY STRANGULATION". He continues to read, getting to a line that says, "There was plenty of DNA evidence, from fingerprints to blood and other bodily fluids found on the corpse. The DNA is currently being analyzed and a list of suspects is being drawn up."

Arthur: Son of a...

He drops his oatmeal and runs outside.

Arthur runs hard, one person in mind who can help him. Somebody with brains. Shit, I gave it away. It's Brain. Anyway, he runs to Brain's house. It's only a matter of time before they trace that DNA to him, Arthur Read, and arrest him for Mr. Ratburn's murder. Arthur reaches Brain's house and knocks furiously. Brain opens the door.

Brain: Hey, Arthur, what's the rush?

Arthur: Brain, I'm coming here because you're the only smart person I know. Plus you didn't rat me out all those times we did weed together back in second grade.

Brain: Some good times there.

Arthur: Can I come in? I'll explain everything, but the cops might see me out here.

Brain: Cops? Get in, you better explain this.

Arthur and Brain go up to Brain's room. Brain sits at his chair while Arthur paces and explains the story so far. After he finishes explaining, Brain sits for a while and thinks.

Brain: Hmm, so you're coming to me because you need some way to make it look like you didn't kill Ratburn. And judging by how you ended up here I'm guessing you want to put the blame on Buster.

Arthur: Yeah, pretty much.

Brain: Well, with that much DNA evidence on you, it's pretty damn hard. It looks like blaming it on Buster is a technical impossibility since they already have the body and you can't plant any evidence. But I have an idea...

Arthur: Run?

Brain: I know this police force like the back of my hand. When we used to get high together, I researched the entire police department to learn shifts, tactics, patrol routes, equipment, even the education and personalities of each officer.

Arthur: Pretty thorough.

Brain: How do you think we never got caught?

Arthur: What're you trying to say though?

Brain: The chief of police in this town is corrupt as fuck. He'll let prostitutes off if they blow him right. And bank robbers if they do the same.

Arthur: You want me to blow him?

Brain: Well, no, I was saying he's corrupt. He'll take bribes. So you just get some money to pay him off and he's your best friend.

Arthur: Money? I've got a twenty that I jacked from Ratburn when I killed him.

Brain: That won't do...I think you'll need to talk to Muffy.

Arthur: That bitch? Hell no, Brain. You know our history.

Brain: It's either that or jail.

Arthur: When you put it that way jail doesn't sound so bad...

Brain: Arthur!

Arthur: What was the idea you had before, about seducing him? I'll do that.

Brain: So rather than just talk to Muffy and patch things up you'll go and blow a fifty year old guy?

Arthur: Hey, you are smart.

Brain: He's straight, though. He won't take head from a dude.

Arthur: That's why I've got to disguise myself as a woman. You ever played Final Fantasy VII?

Brain: No.

Arthur: Good, then let me handle this.

Arthur gets and starts to leave. Brain tells him to stop but Arthur ignores him and walks out. Brain sighs.

Brain: What a dumbass.

Arthur walks around downtown Elwood City, looking for places he can buy womanly garments for under 20 bucks. He spots a gym, and remembering his FFVII experience, he goes in. Inside he finds two body builders doing squats. One randomly runs over.

Bodybuilder: MAN I LOVE DOING SQUATS I CHALLENGE YOU YOU WIN YOU GET SOMETHIN NICE!

Arthur: Shit, man, let's go!

The start doing squats. Arthur, even though he's never seriously worked out a single day in his pathetic 8-year-old life, manages to do more squats than a bodybuilder who can bench 250 and has been working out for about five years. No, I'm not bashing FFVII or anything. It's not like that when I played this I fully expected to get my ass kicked and instead wound up beating this guy. That didn't make me go WTF at all. True.

Anyway, Arthur kicks his ass 300 to 25 and gets a very nice wig for free. He puts it on and runs out to downtown Elwood City to find more womanly garments.

He comes upon a simple used clothing store. This might've made more sense than the gym, but who cares? He goes in and starts looking around on the racks, eventually finding a nice blue-sequined dress. He goes into the fitting room and combines it with his wig, studies himself in the mirror appreciatively.

Arthur: Hmm...no, this isn't working just yet. I need some make-up.

He checks the pricetage on the dress: $25.

Arthur: Dammit. Can't afford this.

He peeks out of the fitting room at the only cashier working, who's reading a magazine at the counter. Arthur slips out of the fitting room and crouches, makes his way slowly behind the counter and approaches the cashier from behind.

He comes out two minutes later donning the dress and wig, doing what he thinks is a "sexy stroll" and giving the infamous gun finger to passing guys, working his charm. It doesn't work.

Arthur: You wait 'til I get my make-up...

On the display window of the used clothing store is a giant splash of blood.

Arthur enters his home. His dad is at work, catering for some big party. D.W. is at school while Kate is at daycare. The only one home is Pal, his dog, who runs up and barks happily.

Arthur: I can't play right now, Pal. I promise I'll play fetch after I'm done.

Pal whimpers and walks off into a corner dejectedly. Arthur runs up the stairs and into his mom and dad's room. He starts sorting through his mom's make-up drawer, finding some eyeliner, lipstick, and blush.

Arthur: This should be all I need...

A few minutes later, Arthur exits the house in full costume. Blue-sequined dress, powdered wig, and the make-up, which hasn't been applied so well. The lipstick is on his eyelids while the eyeliner has been used as lipstick. The blush was used to make it look like blood vessels burst right beneath his eyes.

Arthur: Damn...I look hot.

He heads into town with his sexy stroll, finger-gunning every guy he sees. The police station is at the end of the block.

Everything is blurred. Mrs. Read opens her eyes groggily and looks around. There are a couple of cigarette butts and ashes in her hair, and she's lying facedown on a bed in what appears to be a cheap hotel room. She groans and rubs her eyes.

Mrs. Read: Where the hell am I...?

She looks around. Groans and falls back to the bed. Then she rolls over onto her back and next to her is lying none other than Francine. Mrs. Read screams, jumps out of bed.

Mrs. Read: Francine?! What's going on? What happened?

Francine wakes up and looks at Mrs. Read. Smiles.

Francine: Let's just say I had to go in the back door...

Mrs. Read's eyes go wide as her hands reach around to her butt. She has a mixture of horror and WTFness painted on her face.

Mrs. Read: Dear...GOD...

Francine sits up and begins to dress.

Francine: My work here is done, Mrs. Read. It was purely professional. I don't have anything against you.

Francine fixes herself and heads for the door.

Francine: Buster's planning something big pretty soon. I think it may have already started. Keep an eye out for it.

Francine leaves the room. Mrs. Read starts screaming and runs into the bathroom.

Arthur stands in front of the police station in full disguise. He takes a deep breath and walks into the lobby. There he walks up to the receptionist.

Arthur: *in high-pitched voice* Hello, I have a meeting with the chief of police.

Receptionist: *looks at him suspiciously* Okay...name?

Arthur: Umm...Flo..rence...Wannakok...Jr...

Receptionist: Florence Wannakok Jr.?

Arthur: Yes.

Receptionist: Okay, you don't have an appointment.

Arthur: I think I do. Look closer at that clipboard.

The receptionist gives him a WTF look but looks down at the clipboard. Arthur grabs her head and slams it into the clipboard full-force, which is turn slams into the desk resulting in one massively epic headdesk which renders the receptionist unconscious.

Arthur: Thank god this is a small station or I'd have twenty cops on my ass right now.

Arthur heads through the door behind the receptionist's desk into the hallway where he spots a figure standing in a very hardcore pose. It's got antlers, and appears to be holding a ventriloquist's dummy.

Arthur: George? What're you doing here?

George: George? George is gone. Me and Wally, we work for Buster now. He's gonna turn this town upside down, make it hell for pansies like you. From now on, I'm no longer George. I am...the PUPPET MASTER!

George strikes another hardcore pose. Makes Wally talk:

Wally: Yo bitch-ass iz goin' down 2 tha streets, mayne!

Arthur: I don't know when you got all hardcore...or when your puppet learned German. But it's on!

Arthur and George have a Metal Gear Solid-esque boss battle. It seems George -- I mean, the Puppet Master's abilities consist of being able to control his opponents by making them do whatever he does with his puppet. The Puppet Master takes control of Arthur and makes Wally repeatedly punch himself in the groin, which Arthur duplicates. A crippling move.

Arthur: Aagh! My berries, man, stop!

Arthur rolls on the ground. His foot catches the Puppet Master's and then they're both sprawled on the floor. Arthur's found the Puppet Master's one weakness. His puppet is a shitty school project made of old wood, so hitting it lightly causes it to fall apart and render the Puppet Master's abilities useless. Arthur does this and George goes into the fetal position.

George: No, don't hurt me! I have dyslexia! Buster used big words and made me follow him! No!

Arthur: I need some answers, George. What the fuck is Buster planning? What do you mean he's gonna turn this town upside down?

George: Don't hurt me, just go ahead! He's up ahead!

Arthur: Ahead? What about the police chief?

But George doesn't look like he's going to say much more. He remains in the fetal position and weeps while Arthur heads to the end of the hall and opens the door to the police chief's office.

Buster: Hello, Arthur.

Buster is sitting in the chief's chair, clad in Gestapo uniform with his feet up on the desk. The police chief lies dead on the carpet with a bullet hole in his head.

Buster: I think since you've made it this far you deserve some answers, don't you think so?

Arthur remains silent, giving Buster the staredown of a lifetime.

Buster: You see, I did some research after you fucked my mom. It was on sex, since I didn't what the hell it was at the time. In the course of this I discovered the blow-up sex doll. And do you know who it was that invented the blow-up sex doll?

Arthur: I dunno. The guy who made Pokemon?

Buster: Good guess. Actually it was a certain man named Adolf Hitler. He invented the sex doll because he didn't like his soldiers going to brothels and mingling with girls of other races. So he made the first blow-up doll with blonde hair and blue eyes. Aryan race stuff. Unfortunately, the factory he was producing them in was bombed before mass-production could be carried out. But the concept lived on.

Buster takes his feet off the desk and leans forward.

Buster: That's why I wear this uniform. Because it seems so fitting to beat you in a uniform worn by a man who's done so much for lonely bastards everywhere...bastards like you, Arthur Read.

Arthur: So WTF was up with killing the police chief? What'd he do?

Buster: I needed to do that. You see, I'm putting Elwood City under martial law.

Arthur: Martial law? You kinda need a military to do that.

Buster: 10,000 German mercenaries have been hired. They currently have the town surrounded and are willing to use force on anybody trying to get in or get out of Elwood City. I'm going to run this town with an iron fist, and all because YOU had to fuck my mom.

Arthur: Because that makes a whole lot of sense.

Buster: Well, if it made sense to you then I don't think I'd like the plan as much.

Arthur: Where in the hell did you get enough money to hire 10,000 German mercenaries?

Buster: Oh, this is the best part.

Buster snaps his fingers, and another door leading into the chief's office opens. Out walks none other than Muffy Crosswire.

Buster: She heard that there was an opportunity to screw you over and she jumped on it. That's why you don't leave shit unresolved with your ex-girlfriends, Arthur.

Arthur: Muffy...

Muffy: I'm tired of waiting around for you, Arthur. I've got to move on, and if killing you is the way to do it then I'll do it!

Arthur: Damn!

Buster: So, Arthur. I think it's about time for you to die. Goodbye.

The windows of the office shatter and 5 German mercenaries jump in, armed with rifles.

Arthur: It makes sense now...that's why George's puppet was speaking German. Because of this!

Buster: Umm...okay. Whatever you wanna think. We're leaving.

Buster and Muffy exit the chief's office, leaving Arthur alone with the mercenaries. They have him surrounded, rifles pointed and ready to fire. Arthur looks around for something to help, anything. And he spots it: a 17th century replica of a knight's sword mounted on a collector's plate on the wall. Arthur crouches, then springboards over the heads of the mercenaries, grabs the handle of the sword and lands with it in his hand.

The mercenaries start to fire and Arthur springs into action, deflecting bullets left and right with the speed of something like a cyborg ninja who used to be human but then was revived by some doctor named Dr. Clark. Something like that. He rushes a mercenary and impales him through the neck, pulling the sword to the left and severing his head from his body. Arthur catches the flying head and lobs it at another mercenary, stunning him for a second. Arthur takes this chance to do a front flip and bring the sword straight down the middle of the mercenary. The mercenary splits clean in half and both halves crash to the floor.

The 3 remaining mercenaries form a tight circle around him and Arthur does a rotating cut, slashing at the abdomens of each soldier in rapid succession. Blood flies, screams echo, and Arthur becomes a whirlwind of death and epicness as he speeds up. Jumping up, he kicks one soldier in the head, stabs another through the mouth, and uses his free foot to knock the last mercenary to the ground.

He approaches the last conscious mercenary and pulls him up by his neck.

Arthur: Tell me, what the fuck is Buster going to do?!

Mercenary: He...he's planning on using us to tear down Elwood City. He...he's got a neutron bomb with him.

Arthur: A neutron bomb!? Where in the hell did he get that!?

Mercenary: Don't underestimate German technology. We were ahead of America at one point, you know.

Arthur: You wish.

Mercenary: Heh heh...the thing about a neutron bomb is that it doesn't leave any lingering radiation. So we can still occupy this town as a headquarters after we exterminate everyone here.

Arthur: Exterminate!? Don't you care about these lives, we're not bugs!

Mercenary: And we're not either...but you had no problem killing us, now did you?

Arthur grinds his teeth and knocks the mercenary out with the butt end of his sword. He looks around and knows the mercenary is right.

Arthur: Don't think about it, Arthur. All you can do now is stop Buster.

Arthur springs out of the window and runs through downtown Elwood.

Arthur: I'm gonna need Binky's help it seems...

Arthur's mom throws some water on her face and looks in the mirror.

Mrs. Read: That little slut took advantage of me.

She exits the bathroom and grabs her briefcase. Checks herself in the mirror.

Mrs. Read: It's not over yet, Frensky.

She exits the hotel room.

Binky and his bully friends crouch behind some bushes keeping a close eye on the mercenaries.

Binky: When the hell did these guys get here?

Bully 1: I don't know. They look pretty tough.

Arthur runs past down the sidewalk. Doesn't notice them. Binky does and calls out.

Binky: Arthur! Over here!

Arthur: There you are! I need your help. We're gonna take on those mercenaries.

Binky: Take them on? You're fucking insane, Arthur. There's gotta hundreds of them.

Arthur: 10, 000 actually. But I dispatched five so there're only 9, 995 left.

Binky: Yeah, that's so much better.

Arthur: Well, what else are we gonna do? They're gonna exterminate everyone in the town, Binky! Buster's gone batshit crazy. He was saying some Gestapo shit and talking about blow-up sex dolls and Muffy's working with him and she hates my guts, man. Francine's with him too.

Binky: I tell you what. You're on good terms with Brain, right?

Arthur: Yeah.

Binky: Go get him. We need him and his brain. I'll wait here in the town square. You hurry and bring him back, we don't have much time.

Arthur: Alright, I'm on it.

Arthur runs off. Pants hard as his feet slam into the ground, sword still clutched tight. He turns a corner and sees Brain's house in the distance.

Mrs. Read walks into her house. D.W. spots her and runs up.

D.W.: Mom! Where were you?

Mrs. Read: D.W., I think I need to go to the doctor.

D.W.: Doctor? Are you sick, mommy?

Mrs. Read: I'm just feeling a little itchy...down there.

D.W.: Huh?

Mrs. Read: The doctor will explain it all. Go get Kate and get in the car.

A few minutes later they are driving to the doctor. Mrs. Read fidgets uncomfortably on the seat, adjusts herself constantly. She spots rows of mercenaries marching in the distance.

Mrs. Read: Must be a tribute to the military or something.

They reach downtown Elwood and Mrs. Read gets out of the car, bolting into the clinic. D.W. and Kate follow behind slowly.

Soon Mrs. Read is sitting in the room in the doctor's office, fidgeting uncomfortably while sitting on the bed. The doctor comes in with the file and test results.

Mrs. Read: What did the test say?

Doctor: Well, it's pretty early in development. But from what we found it appears that you have pubic lice.

Mrs. Read: ...........fucking crabs?

Doctor: Yes, if that's how you want to put it.

Mrs. Read: That little slut gave me fucking crabs.

Mrs. Read gets up and storms out of the room.

Doctor: Oh, wait, your payment --

Mrs. Read stops. Turns to him and smiles.

Mrs. Read: Oh. It seems I left my purse at home. Maybe I could pay you in...other ways...

The doctor cringes. Looks down at her crotch and waves her away.

Doctor: You know...just go. I'll cover it.

Soon they're back in the car, Mrs. Read driving again and fidgeting uncomfortably.

D.W.: Mom, what did the doctor say?

Mrs. Read: I have fucking crabs.

D.W.: Crabs? Can we have them for dinner?

Mrs. Read: Just shut the hell up. I'm not in the mood for your ignorance. Right now I've got to track down this slut and beat the living shit out of her.

The marching mercenaries come into view again. They begin to cross the street. Mrs. Read grinds her teeth.

Mrs. Read: Get...the fuck out...OF MY WAY!

She rams right through them. The bumper of her car crumples as bodies fly with thuds in all directions. The mercenaries scream and the one who weren't hit take their chance and run.

D.W.: Mom, that's illegal.

Mrs. Read: JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP AND WATCH THE BABY!

Arthur slowly regains consciousness. He pulls himself up and waits for his eyes to come into focus. He's on top of city hall, the tallest building in Elwood City. He can see the entire town from his position, and within it there are rows and block formations of German mercenaries on almost every street. People are being forced out of their homes. The select few who don't cooperate are shot on the spot and their corpses are lit on fire. Arthur gets to his feet and watches all this, shocked.

Arthur: Damn you, Buster Baxter...

Buster: Yes, damn me.

Arthur spins around. Buster is at the opposite edge of the roof looking across the other side of town. Muffy stands a little ways away, looking at Arthur.

Buster: Damn me because I actually got something done.

Arthur: You're a fucking maniac, you know that? You've gone completely batshit.

Buster turns to Arthur. Smiles.

Buster: Right now Fern is apprehending your friend Brain. You're so predictable, Arthur. You're such a dumbass that you can't do anything by yourself. I knew you'd go running to Brain and so I planted Fern there.

Buster walks up to Arthur. Arthur charges him, throws a punch that Buster catches and reverses in a throw. Arthur lands hard on his back

Buster: Make no mistake, Read. I may have hired mercenaries to do my work for me but not before I picked up a few moves myself. *turns to Muffy* Start the timer.

Muffy nods and goes to the roof access door, disappearing to the lower levels.

Arthur: What do you mean by timer?

Buster: It's a bomb, dumbass. I've had my mercenaries set up a string of C4 explosives in the sewers of Elwood City. In 30 minutes after she starts the timer they're going to blow and Elwood is going to collapse.

Arthur: But then you...and your soldiers...

Buster: I'll be out in time, don't worry about me. As for this town, and these soldiers...I couldn't really give a shit about them.

Arthur: You're a monster...

Buster: At least I'm not a motherfucker.

Buster smiles and points to the street below, where Arthur sees Mrs. Read's car heading full-speed towards the town square.

Buster: Poor woman is so angry at Francine that she's most likely coming here looking for her. We'll see how well she does.

Arthur: That's my mom, you wang!

Buster: I remember I said the same thing when you told me everything...now you know EXACTLY how it feels.

Something in Buster's pocket beeps. He removes a little countdown timer, which is ticking steadily.

Buster: Looks like she's activated the bomb. I'll give you 30 minutes, Arthur. Hand to hand combat, no weapons, just us. If you can kill me in 30 minutes then you'll have time to escape and maybe get your friends out as well. Either way that bomb's going off and one of us isn't making it out.

Arthur: Buster...no...we're best friends...I....

Buster: Hm?

Arthur: I love you, man.

Buster: That's sweet. But too late.

They stare each other down, standing at opposite ends of the roof, clock ticking. Gunshots and screams below. People running about. Arthur grinds his teeth, digs his heel into the roof. Buster does the same.

They run at each other.

Mrs. Read's car ramps up over the curb and comes to a crashing halt in the town square. The scene there is already chaotic: Binky and his bully crew are engaged in a harsh battle with Francine. Francine is wielding two Colt Single Action Army revolvers. She executes some brilliant gunplay and snaps off a shot that hits Bully 1 in the head and kills him.

Bully 2 Bully 1, NOOOO!!!

Binky himself is wielding a Stinger rocket launcher. He locks the sight on Francine and pops off a missile. Francine cartwheels and jumps on top of the missile, riding it with some uncanny skill that might've been acquired from countless hours of riding similar objects.

Francine back flips off the missile and it flies into the air, exploding high over Elwood. As she returns to her feet she gets off another shot and kills Bully 2, who gets shot through the forehead and seems to hang for a while before he drops.

Binky: Bully 2! BULLY 1!! FRANCINE, YOU SLUT!

Binky fires off missile after missile that Francine dodges. Francine laughs as Binky's rocket launcher clicks empty.

Francine: Too bad, Barnes. Looks like I have enough ammo left to kill you.

She raises the revolver. But before she gets a shot off she is knocked to the ground. Mrs. Read is on top of her, slamming her head into the pavement.

Mrs. Read: You gave me crabs you fucking slut!!

A bitch-slap flies across Francine's cheek and she screams. Mrs. Read pulls her up and headbutts her, slamming her head into the ground once again. Blood spreads out across the pavement. Splatters the complex flower arrangement set up on the fringe of the square. Mrs. Read is an animal. She pulls her hand back and starts repeatedly punching Francine in the face, each blow landing with a sickeningly wet smack that sends more blood outward. Francine's nose is pancaked against her face, and she starts to cry.

Francine: OWWW....moommMYYYYY!!

Mrs. Read: I'm the only mommy here, shithead!

Mrs. Read doesn't let up, continuing to punch. Binky runs up wailing.

Binky: Stop it! STOP, she's already dead!!

Mrs. Read slams Francine's body into the ground and gets up, breathing heavily. She reaches into her pants, scratches her crotch furiously and spits on Francine.

Mrs. Read: Little punk.

D.W. sits in the car having seen everything through the window, her eyes wide. Scared as hell. Owned.

Arthur and Buster throw punch after punch at each other, but they're both so evenly matched that neither can gain the upper hand. Arthur kicks Buster's feet out from under him, and on his way down Buster grabs Arthur's collar and pulls him down with him. They both grapple each other on the ground. Buster knees Arthur in the groin and gets to his feet.

Arthur gets up and they continue, again being too evenly matched.

Buster: You little punk bitch, it's over for you. Punk bitch.

Arthur: Buster! You can still stop this, just deactivate the bomb and call off those soldiers!

Buster: Taste my pain, bitch!

Buster punches Arthur in the nose and stuns him. Arthur staggers back a bit, but that's all the time Buster needs. He slips a survival knife from the his belt and drives it deep into Arthur's abdomen.

Arthur: AAGH! MOTHER --

Arthur staggers back with the knife still in deep. Buster laughs.

Buster: How does it feel to have something hard that deep in you, huh?

Arthur: Go ask your mom!

Buster yells and kicks Arthur's chest. Arthur reels back, dangerously close to the edge of the roof. He swings his arms, struggling for balance, only the front half of his feet in contact with the roof.

But gravity's too much. Arthur starts a slow backward arc, feet leaving the roof.

Muffy: Arthur, no!!

Muffy bolts from the roof access door and grabs the front of Arthur's shirt just in time. Pulls him up with all her strength. They fall back onto the roof. Arthur gasps, the knife still deep in him. Muffy holds him.

Buster: I knew it, ho. You just weren't over this kid.

Buster slips a 9mm pistol from his belt and points it at Muffy.

Muffy: Arthur, I always loved you.

Arthur: What the hell are you doing...he's gonna --

Bang. A single bullet is propelled through Muffy's skull, the force of which pushes her back far enough to tip over the edge of the roof. Her body falls, ragdoll physics in full effect, wind whipping her hard.

Then there a limp thud and Arthur closes his eyes.

Arthur: -- shoot you, bitch.

Buster laughs and Arthur continues to give him the staredown of a lifetime. Reaching down to his abdomen, Arthur slips out the knife among screams and charges at Buster. Drives the knife into Buster's chest and tackles him. They both go flying off the other edge of the roof, whipping through wind and then through tree branches, Arthur riding Buster all the way down. Almost sexual.

They crash, Buster first with Arthur on top, onto the hood of a car. The hood crumples with a metal screech, and they're embedded within. Arthur pants, the brunt of the force absorbed by Buster's body. He's breathing in small gasps. Arthur looks down at Buster, who has some strange mist coming from his mouth.

Arthur: Hm? Buster, what...

The mist resembles a ghostly shape, and once it's all out of Buster's body it floats away into the air. Buster looks around, confused.

Buster: Arthur...what...

Arthur: You're fucking dying, Buster.

Buster: Dying!? No, why?

Arthur: Don't play dumb you bastard. This is all your doing. The whole town going to shit, Muffy dying, Francine doing my mom...all of it...

Arthur looks down the street. Something isn't right. Mercenaries continue to force people onto the street. Shoot those who don't comply.

Arthur: Wait...the mist...

He remembers Fern bringing back Ratburn and looks around. Spots Fern standing a few yards away from the town square.

Arthur: Buster!? Do you remember any of what just happened?

Buster: Arthur, we're best friends...I...I don't know how we ended up here...all I know is that it hurts..*coughs* a lot. What's going on...what did I do?

Arthur: I think I know, Buster. Fern, that bitch...she had you possessed. She did the same thing to me with Ratburn...

Arthur punches the car in anger.

Arthur: DAMN IT! She's dead --

He starts to run but Buster grabs his arm.

Buster: Arthur....please just stay....

Arthur stops. Crouches next to Buster. Starts to cry as Buster's breathing slows.

Arthur stands up from Buster's corpse. Wipes away his tears and steps off the car. He hears a beeping, and immediately goes for the countdown timer in Buster's pocket.

Arthur: Shit! Ten minutes 'til this city blows!

Arthur looks around for a decent mode of transportation. Sees a man on a motorcycle turn onto the street. Arthur runs out in front of him.

Arthur: BOOYA, BITCH!

Arthur knocks the rider off with a monster right arm clothesline. The bike still pitches forward, wobbling after the driver falls off. Arthur grabs it and jumps on, straigtening it out and flying forward. He screeches into the town square where Mrs. Read is still in her car.

Arthur: Mom! Are you okay?!

Mrs. Read: You wouldn't believe what's happened, Arthur...First --

Arthur: Hey, we don't have time for this. In 10 minutes Elwood City is gonna blow harder than a French prostitute. Go home for Dad and then get the holy fucking shit out of here. Go!

Arthur guns the engine and the motorcycle blazes down the street. He sees Binky holding off a group of mercenaries with an M16 and stops near him.

Arthur: Binky, get on! Let's blow this pop stand!

Binky climbs onto the bitch-seat of the motorcycle, continuing to fire. Arthur roars out of the intersection.

Arthur: Muffy and Francine are fucking dead, man. So's Buster. Turns out Fern had him possessed all along.

Binky: What a bitch.

Arthur: Looks like the only one we need to save is Brain. We've got maybe 7 or 8 minutes before this thing blows sky high. We've got to hurry!

Arthur cruises in front of Brain's house and sees that's it's nothing more than a pile of rubble.

Arthur: What the hell!? BRAIN!

Arthur gets off the bike and runs up to it. He pokes around, finds no bodies or signs of life

Arthur: Brain...no...

Binky: Arthur! He's not here, we've gotta fucking move, man!

Arthur hesitantly runs back to the motorcycle and rolls out.

Binky: I'm sure Brain's fine. He's got that mind of his.

Arthur: I hope you're right.

As Arthur screeches onto the main road a truck carrying mercenaries comes up behind him.

Arthur: Binky! Behind you!

Binky: Got it!

Binky picks off each mecenary with the precision of a sniper, headshots for each one. Drops them like flies. After all the mercenaries on the back of the truck are killed, he aims for the driver.

Binky: I am one with the universe. Jesus FUCKING!

He fires and kills the driver. The truck loses control, swerves left and right violently and eventually tips over. It rolls down the street at a dangerous speed, right behind Arthur and Binky.

Binky: Little faster, Arthur!!

Arthur grinds his teeth and guns the engine for all it's worth. The truck slows its roll and comes to a stop, but not before leaking fuel ignites and sends explosions skyward.

The bike roars towards the city's exit. Binky looks behind him and sees that now there are thousands of mercenary filled trucks and motorcycles behind them.

Binky: Shit, Buster wasn't kidding. He really wanted you dead.

Arthur: Fern...

The trucks and bikes start gaining on Arthur and Binky. Arthur is going full speed, the buildings and vegetation of Elwood city are blurred streaks in his peripheral vision. Binky is firing furiously at their pursuers. Arthur's entire being is focused on one point at the exit of the city. Speeding towards that point...almost there...

Binky: Arthur!! TURN!!

Arthur: What!?

His question is answered by a mercenary firing a rocket launcher. The rocket zips above Arthur and Binky's heads and hits the pavement a little ways ahead, making a small crater.

Arthur: CRAP!

There's too much speed for them to stop before it. The front wheel hits the crater and the bike flips, pitches them both forward off the seat. They fly at high velocity down the road, gravity slowly affecting them. Arthur's screams are drowned out by the wind whipping in his ears. He sees the road coming closer.

Then they slide along the road bumping and bouncing down the length of it, Arthur hitting first and then Binky. After a while they come to a stop a good distance outside the city. The trucks and motorcycles veer off the road and screech to a halt. Mercenaries get off, rush to their targets.

Arthur: Binky...you okay?

Binky: Yeah...just a couple scrapes...they're coming, man.

Arthur: I know. They're gonna get us...and we were so damn close. If we'd been a few seconds faster...we would've overtaken that rocket and gotten out.

The mercenaries are getting closer.

Arthur: Binky, you still got any bullets left?

Binky: Yeah, a few. Why?

Arthur: Don't shoot. Too many people are dead already.

Binky: This is no time to be a hero, Arthur. We're gonna fucking die if we don't defend ourselves.

Arthur: I'd rather two of us die than a thousand of them just so we can live.

Binky: I'm shooting.

Arthur: No, you're not shooting, Binky.

Brain: Then allow me.

Binky and Arthur brace themselves for a mindfuck as they turn and see Brain run out of the woods carrying a .20 millimeter vulcan cannon in each hand, the stuff that's mounted on fighter jets. Brain skids to a halt in front of them and points the cannons at the oncoming mercenaries.

Brain: *to mercenaries* Ever seen the movie "Death Spares Not the Tiger"? Well, today, you're the Tiger, bitch!

Brain: Get down!

At that point the bombs that Buster mentioned go off deep in the sewers of Elwood City. The three of them watch as the City Hall crumbles to nothing. The library shakes and falls apart. Explosions continue to ring out as the city collapses into its own bowels and disappears before their eyes. Debris flies around like dust. A shop sign nearly hits Arthur in the head, whizzing past him and embedding itself into a tree.

Soon everything becomes eerily quiet. The three of them lay still before deciding it's safe to get up. Arthur spots the sign buried in the tree. It's the sign for the Sugar Bowl.

Arthur: Damn. I had a coupon to get a free milkshake there. You think I can still get it?

The three of them start laughing.

Brain: Feels good to laugh finally.

Binky: Hell yeah.

Arthur Brain, how'd you make it out? We found your house completely destroyed.

Brain: I saw your battle with Fern. At that point I decided it was probably best to get out of the city. The mercenaries had a fighter jet waiting ready, but I sabotaged it before they got it off the ground. That also where I got those cannons.

Binky: Elwood City's actually gone...

Arthur: Yeah, I can't believe it...all those people...

Brain: You know, [insert morally relative speech here].

Binky: Damn, man. That was beautiful. *Wipes away a tear*

Arthur: Yeah, even God himself couldn't say it better.

Brain: You think they're gonna rebuild the city?

Binky: Fuck no. Look at it! It makes more sense just to move somewhere else.

Arthur: Like Mighty Mountain!

Brain: Yeah, then they wouldn't cream us at baseball. Because then we'd BE Mighty Mountain!

The three of them keep talking. They've got all the time in the world to do it now.

A phone rings. Someone answers it.

D.W.: Yeah, I'm listening.

She listens to the man on the other line.

D.W.: So Fern did it? Excellent. Didn't think she would. *listens* It's pretty simple really. Buster stuck to his plan to get back at Arthur up until Ratburn turned up dead. That's when he thought maybe they were taking it a little too far. He was thinking of calling off the plan and letting Arthur go. We needed the plan carried out and we needed Buster dead too, so Fern's powers really helped out a lot. *listens* Why? Why not? We now command one of the strongest mercenary armies in the world. Buster only allotted maybe 10,000 mercs to Elwood but he easily has another 25,000 on standby because of Muffy's deep pockets.

She listens to the man speak.

D.W.: Yes. Elwood has been destroyed. *listens* Wih Elwood gone there'll be no one here who knows what originally happened. It's over for everyone. Without Buster in the picture I am now second-in-command of the army after Fern. But she's just a temporary inconvenience... *listens* Yes, we're keeping Arthur alive for now. Just in case he comes handy in the future...it's why I had you save him. Okay. No problem. I'll contact you soon. Goodbye...Brain.

Da-dum...

It's been two years since Elwood City was decimated. The bombing took front page in the paper and was the subject of every major news show across the US. There were only a handful of survivors, all of whom were relocated to the nearby town of Mighty Mountain.

D.W. and Brain, working with Fern, were revealed to have been the true masterminds behind the Elwood City bombing, merely using Buster as a pawn to take the heat and do their dirty work. Two years later, Fern is on the run while D.W. and Brain function normally within society, nobody aware of their true identities.

It's in this climate that the story begins. The hero of Elwood City, who saved his own family and closest friends while leaving the rest of the town to die a horribly fiery death, walks down the streets of Mighty Mountain with an air of superiority. He pelvic thrusts those around him, giving the occasional finger-gun as if saving a handful of people added 3 inches to his wang. But a 4-inch wang is still nothing spectacular.

Arthur: *to attractive woman passing by* Hey, I'm Arthur fucking Read, wanna fuck? No? Well, that's cool because I don't fuck anyone but myself anyway. I'm Arthur fucking Read.

Eventually, he gyrates himself towards his new Mighty Mountain home and enters.

He takes on a more serious pose as he sees his parents sitting on the couch talking rapidly. They give him a mysterious look and then motion for him to come over.

Arthur: Hm? Mom, Dad, is something wrong?

Mr. Read: Take a seat, Arthur.

Arthur sits. Mr. Read twirls his thumbs and then begins to speak.

Mr. Read: Arthur, I know you've been through a lot already with everything that's happened in Elwood, but your mother and I recently discovered something. It was when she went to the doctor for her treatment for...ahem, "down there".

Arthur: I know, dad. She had crabs. What about it?

Mr. Read: Ahem... Well, they had to take a sample from her..."area"...and analyze it. Of course, contained in this sample was her DNA. They already had our whole family's DNA on file, being our family doctor and all. But they noticed something weird and had to make a comparison between her DNA, my DNA and yours. And when they made the comparison, they found out something...

Arthur: Wait, you don't mean...

Mr. Read: Arthur...there's a chance that I may not be your biological father.

Damn, sucks for him. Arthur's face is in shock. His mouth hanging open, eyes wide. Mr. Read puts his hand on Arthur's shoulder comfortingly.

Mr. Read: I just want you to know: we don't know for sure if I'm your biological father or not, at least not until we get a paternity test. But I'm still a father in every other way to you, Arthur.

Arthur brushes his hand away.

Arthur: WTF? Don't try to feed me that bullshit! And YOU, mom, WTF are you doing screwing around with other guys anyway, you slut!?

Mrs. Read: Arthur!

Arthur: Screw this, I'm going to my room!

Arthur runs upstairs. He spends the night lying awake, crying into his pillow and writing sad poetry by moonlight. He writes page after page in his journal until he fills it up. Then he gets a startling idea.

Arthur: No, I can't...or can I?

Arthur slips downstairs. The whole house is asleep. He tiptoes to the kitchen and opens the knife drawer, drawing out a long butcher knife. He lowers it to his forearm, holding it steady. Breathes in and exhales. Then he brings the knife across. Blood splatters across the kitchen tile and cabinets. Arthur stands there panting, a strange smile on his face.

Arthur: Something about this makes me feel so...free. Like something was holding me back, but now it's been lifted. This...feels good...

He goes back to his room, slips the knife under his pillow. Sitting in the moonlight, he eventually falls asleep.

The next morning is his first day at Mighty Mountain Elementary School. Brain sits in the class reading Isaac Asimov's Pebble in the Sky. Mighty Mountain kids fill up the rest of the class, chattering away noisily. The door swings open and somone enters. He's wearing skinny jeans and a tight T-shirt with a picture of a bleeding heart on it. To staple down his emo attire, he also dons a lip-piercing and side-swipe bangs that look like they were cut by a third-grader. He wears heavy eyeliner under his thick-rimmed glasses. Brain looks up from his book, seeing the new arrival, and his mouth drops open.

Brain: Arthur?

Emo Arthur makes his way over and sits down next to Brain, who is still staring.

Arthur: Hey.

Brain: Arthur...what the hell? Are you alright?

Arthur: Why would I be, Alan? Why would anyone be? Every second we spend here...in a federally funded building...giving our lives away to the system for us to be used and thrown away...every second we get closer to dying...life slips away...and there's nothing you can do...

Brain: Shit, I can't deal with this. I don't have patience for metaphors, Arthur.

Arthur: People are just hypocrites...you say you don't have time for metaphors...and yet you sit there and read one of the most metaphoric works of all time...you and everyone here, you're all hypocrites...but me, I'm real...you can't handle me because I'm real and you're afraid of reality...

Brain: Dude, what the HELL happened?

Arthur: My father...or the man claiming to be my father, may not actually be my father. In essence, I am a bastard.

Brain: ......WTF?

Arthur: I found this out yesterday, and so I took the most logical course of action. I went to Hot Topic this morning and spent my college fund on skinny jeans, eyeliner, and pre-orders of the new Glassjaw album. But there still remains a hole in my heart...

Brain: My god, I don't even know what part of that to correct first.

Arthur: Then don't...hypocrite.

Brain shakes his head and goes back to reading. Arthur reaches into his bookbag and removes a spiral notebook. Flipping to an open page, he begins to write more poetry.

Arthur: Alan, what is one suggestion for a word that rhymes with, "shattered"?

Mighty Mountain Medical Clinic. Mr. Read sits in the waiting room with Mrs. Read and D.W. They eagerly await the results of the paternity test. D.W. plays with a Mary Moo Cow doll while Mrs. Read looks nervously at Mr. Read, whose face is a mixture of fear and anxiety.

Mrs. Read: Dave, I just want you to know that I'm sorry for everything.

Mr. Read: What part? The part where you let someone else dick you or the part where you let me think that the kid was mine?

Mrs. Read: Dave...

Mr. Read: Just shut the fuck up, Jane. I've been up all night tearing my hair out over this and all you can say is "sorry"? Maybe our son had a point when he called you a slut.

Mrs. Read: Dave, I..I'm sorry.

Mr. Read: Stop fucking saying that! It's not making anything better! Ugh, just tell me one thing. I don't even wanna know who it was, but tell me: was he better than me?

Mr. Read stares her in the eyes. Mrs. Read crumbles under the stare, looking down at her feet.

Mrs. Read: Dave, I...I can't lie about it. I'm sorry.

Mr. Read: Aww, DAMMIT!!

Mr. Read overturns a coffee table littered with magazines, all of which soar through the air with pages fluttering. He breaks down and begins to cry in the middle of the waiting room, everyone staring at him. Mrs. Read awkwardly taps his shoulder.

Mrs. Read: Dave, you're making a scene.

Mr. Read: I'M making a scene!? ME!? YOU LITTLE HO!!

Mr. Read pulls back his hand and throws his whole shoulder into a devastating bitch-slap that decimates Mrs. Read's left cheek. Mrs. Read goes tumbling to the floor, screaming and clutching her raw face. Everyone gasps and backs away, leaving Mr. Read standing fuming over Mrs. Read.

Mr. Read: I don't know where you get the NERVE to say that to me, but at least now you know that taking some other guy doesn't come with consequences!

Mr. Read storms out of the clinic. Mrs. Read staggers to her feet and goes after him, trying to stop him. D.W. looks around: everyone is distracted by the scene. She uses this time to slip behind the receptionist's desk and into the doctor's offices. She obtains a cardboard box from the storage room and uses this to infiltrate the offices, eventually reaching the main doctor's office. She sees a stack of files on his desk and sorts through them, stopping at the one that says READ, DAVID. She opens it up and looks over the results of the paternity test.

D.W.: Hmmm, so he isn't the father after all. Better check to see who is, then...

D.W. scans the file, stopping where the actual father's name is written. She gasps and then bursts out laughing.

D.W.: Wow, Arthur Read, sucks to be you. I just found a new way to use you...

D.W. takes the file and walks over to a shredder, dropping the contents in and watching them fall apart. She takes out her Mary Moo Cow phone and dials a number.

It's recess back at Mighty Mountain Elementary. Everyone is running and playing while Arthur broods, sitting under the shadow of an oak tree writing in his journal. Brain comes from owning everyone in kickball and sits next to Arthur.

Brain: What do you write in that thing all day?

Arthur: The insecure ramblings of a damaged eight-year-old boy...

Brain: I think you just need some excitement. I got a hot tip on the playground. It's about Mr. Crosswire.

Arthur: Muffy's dad? Why would I care?

Brain: It turns out he sells cars and then uses hired hands to strip those cars of all their parts once the customer gets it home. He sells those parts on the black market and makes all his money back. It's why he's so rich.

Arthur: So?

Brain: We could go bust him.

Arthur: What would be the point? The cold clutches of death would get to him regardless of our intervention...

Arthur finishes writing in his journal and shuts it. He stands up and brushes his hair out of his face.

Arthur: If you must be persistent, then I will comply. A species as twisted as the human race should not have the option to choose anyway...

Arthur follows Brain out of the playground.

Mr. Read pants, runs hard down the sidewalk of Mighty Mountain. He cuts into an alley and slumps against the wall. Sinking to the floor, he begins to cry.

Mr. Read: My god...why!? POR QUUEEEEEE!?!?

Mrs. Read hears his crying and rushes into the alley. She sits down beside him.

Mrs. Read: Dave, please, I'm really sorry. Just come on home and we'll talk this all out.

Mr. Read: NO! This is all YOUR fault! You think you can just get out of this without getting punished, like you can just calm me and get out of this without facing the consequences!?

Mr. Read lunges to his feet and grabs a nearby metal pole.

Mr. Read: I hate you so much you...you little BITCH!

Mrs. Read: Dave, Dave, NOO!

Mr. Read grips the pole firmly and begins to beat the shit out of Mrs. Read. Mrs. Read screams for help, but Mr. Read persists. His face contorts in rage as he brings the pole down repeatedly into Mrs. Read's face, blood flying in all directions, teeth knocked loose and clattering across the pavement. Each hit seems harder than the last, hitting its mark with a sickening crunch and causing Mrs. Read to scream louder.

Eventually, Mr. Read lets up and drops the blood-stained pole. It clatters to the floor just as Mrs. Read's screams reduce to a whimper, and then to silence. Mr. Read sinks his face into his hands.

Mr. Read: Oh my god...oh my god...what have I done...oh my god...

He hears the footsteps and chattering of people drawing near, alerted by the screams. Acting quickly, he grabs Mrs. Read's legs and drags her deeper into the alley, turning behind a building and dragging the body back towards the clinic.

He reaches the clinic and makes sure no one is looking before he hauls the body up and makes a mad dash for his car. Throwing her body into the back seat he leaps into the driver's seat and guns the engine. Roars out of sight.

Mr. Read: It's okay, Dave. Stay cool, Dave. It's just like she's still alive, nobody knows. Nobody saw, Dave. You're fine. Oh, God...

Mr. Read looks back at Mrs. Read's disfigured face and turns back to the road, crying.

Mr. Read: Oh, God...oh, God...

Midnight. Crosswire Motors. The dealership is closed, leaving behind only the workers who stay behind to finish up on work. At the top floor of the complex is an office window from which a lone light emits. Brain points it out to Arthur.

Brain: Up there, that's the CEO's office, aka Mr. Crosswire's office. He usually stays behind to nail his secretary, which is probably why he's still here.

Arthur: What have we humans done to this world...such a beautiful world...

Tears roll down Arthur's cheeks.

Brain: Focus, Arthur. We need to get up there without being seen, otherwise he'll know there are intruders inside and he'll run before we get a chance to get to him.

Arthur: If we must.

Brain motions for Arthur to follow him and runs up to the front door of Crosswire Motors. He fishes a lockpicking kit from his pocket and nimbly works the door open, darting inside with Arthur behind.

Armed guards are patrolling the showroom floor.

Brain: They look like Gurlukovich men...armed with five-five-sixers and pineapples...

Taking a page from Metal Gear Solid, the two of them evade the soldiers' field of vision by staying six feet in front of them. They eventually make it to the stairs and begin to run up.

Brain: Hurry, Mr. Crosswire's not known for his length in the sack. He's probably done nailing her right now.

They reach the top floor and slip out into the hallway. An armed guard patrols the door to Mr. Crosswire's office. Brain looks at Arthur and puts a finger to his lips, motions for him to stay put as he sneaks up behind the guard.

The guard doesn't stand a chance as Brain slips him into a chokehold and pulls his head back, snaps his neck. The guard crumples to the floor and Brain spits on him, motioning for Arthur. They both creep into the shadows as a morbidly obese woman in a formal blouse and skirt walks out from Mr. Crosswire's office. Before the door closes behind her, Brain and Arthur slip in.

Crosswire sits with his feet up on the desk, hands behind head, eyes closed and smiling like a man who has just climbed Mount Everest.

Brain: Crosswire, I think you better start answering some questions.

Crosswire is startled. He pulls his feet down from the desk but relaxes as he sees who it is.

Crosswire: Oh, Brain, Arthur. You guys scared me. How did you two get in?

Brain: Cut the batshit, Crosswire. We're not here to play motherfucking Jenga with you. I want some answers on why you've been selling cars and then stripping them for parts.

Crosswire: *mumbling* Well, ah...no, it's not that, uhh, it's not like that exactly...

Brain: *mockingly* Um, ah, umm, ahem, duhhh, dur dur dur -- Just cut the crap, you little dildo.

Brain reaches to the back of his belt and slips out a butcher knife. Hands it over to Arthur.

Brain: Arthur, finish this guy.

Arthur: Humans don't deserve to take life...we don't deserve anything...

Brain: Dammit, Arthur, stop being such a pussy and stab this motherfucker before he does anymore damage!

Arthur looks at Brain. Brushing his bangs out of his face, he takes the knife. Looks at it.

Arthur: Why should I?

Brain: This guy was just fucking his secretary. Who knows if she's pregnant? It's guys like this who are responsible for people like you, Arthur. People born as bastards, not knowing their real father.

Arthur grinds his teeth.

Brain: And all the while this guy's wife is sitting at home, thinking she's the only one he loves. That he wouldn't even think of going to someone else...

Arthur yells and lunges at Crosswire, who lets out a high-pitched scream of terror and backs up against the floor-to-ceiling window behind his desk. Arthur plunges the knife into Crosswire's chest and lands one massive roundhouse kick that sends Crosswire through the glass.

Glass pieces exlplode outward from the dealership. Crosswire's heavyset body soars above the overpriced cars below, flying through the night air like some kind of ugly-ass shooting star. His screams echo across the lot as he approaches the end of his arc, coming to a literal dead stop in the cheap windshield of a $30,000 Geo.

Brain: Nice, Arthur. Couldn't have done it better myself.

Arthur: I will have to punish myself for this later...

Brain: Yeah, whatever, let's go.

They both run as sirens are heard in the distance.

The Read Residence, a few minutes after Crosswire's murder. Mr. Read pulls Mrs. Read's body up the stairs and into the bathroom where he proceeds to dump it in the tub. He starts filling it with water.

Mr. Read: Okay, just clean it up, and she'll look good as new.

Mr. Read begins to scrub away the blood, working furiously. There is a knock at the door.

D.W.: Daddy, are you in there? I need to use the bathroom.

Mr. Read: Mother -- um, honey, can you just like, go outside and do it or something? I'm kind of busy in here.

D.W.: DaaaDDDDYYY!! *pounds on door* My bladder's gonna explode!

Mr. Read: You can't come in right now, honey. Just go outside and do it.

D.W.: DAAADDDYY!!

Mr. Read: For God's sakes you little ho, JUST GO PISS IN THE GODDAMN BUSHES!!

The pounding stops and D.W. runs away. Mr. Read sighs and continues to scrub.

A few minutes later, he has the body cleaned and has it laying in their bed. There is no blood but the face is beaten and bruised beyond recognition. He looks at her and starts crying.

Mr. Read: I can't keep her here. I've got to dump her.

He hauls the body down the stairs and into the garage, where he wraps it up in garbage bags and a roll of duct tape. He pulls it back out to the car.

The car stops at a bridge. Mr. Read climbs out and pulls out the lump of garbage bags and tape. Hauls it over the side of the bridge and watches as it hits the water and sinks to the bottom. He wipes away his tears and gets back into the car, driving away.

A little bit down the road from the bridge, D.W. stands, carrying a Mary Moo Cow duffel bag. She smiles and dials a number on her Mary Moo Cow cell phone.

Arthur and Brain are walking home.

Brain: That was nice how you handled Crosswire back there, man. How far did you send him? Looked like a clean seventy feet.

Arthur continues to walk quietly, hands in pockets, looking at the ground.

Brain: Quiet as always. Anyway, I need you to come with me. I need to meet someone.

Arthur: Who?

Brain: Down this way.

Arthur follows Brain hesitantly. They arrive at a bridge. In the distance is the form of a little person. As they get closer, the person comes into view.

Arthur: D.W.?

D.W. walks up, clutching a Mary Moo Cow duffel bag in one hand. She stops before them and puts the bag down.

Arthur: Go home, D.W. It's almost 3 o'clock.

D.W. smiles. Nods at Brain, who grabs Arthur and puts him into a headlock.

Brain: I wouldn't try anything if I were you, Arthur. I could snap your pencil-neck pretty easily.

Arthur looks around, unaware of everything. D.W. laughs.

Arthur: What the hell!?

D.W.: Poor Arthur, always being used. By the world, by his enemies...by us.

Arthur: ...What?

D.W.: Fern's still in hiding. You found out that she was the one controlling Buster. But Fern wasn't the one who masterminded the plan. It was me and Brain.

Arthur puts on his ultimate WTF face. D.W. laughs.

D.W.: You see, we orchestrated everything. We had Buster's mom do you on purpose, and knowing you, you told Buster everything. We knew he'd be pissed, so we fueled his anger. We made him truly hate you. And we helped him come up with the plan to seduce your mom. We used Francine for that knowing of her medical records.

D.W. begins to unzip the duffel bag, still talking.

D.W.: Buster was all for it. He tortured you to his heart's content. He even got Muffy's help with money, knowing that she hated you for dumping her. It was all great until you killed that bastard Ratburn. Then Buster started becoming a bit of a pussy, saying he didn't know what having a dead man on your hands felt like until then. He was faltering, and so we had Fern take control of him and make him look like the mastermind.

D.W. removes an AK-47. Points it at Arthur.

D.W.: We used you. We let you hunt him down thinking he was the real mastermind, and we let you kill him. After that, the merecenaries that were under his control became ours. Right now we command one of the most skilled armies in the world, thanks to you, Arthur Read.

Arthur: D.W...you little bitch.

D.W.: Oh, is that it? I make this plan and you call me a bitch? Hmm, I thought the consequences would be bigger. But I guess not.

Arthur: But Brain, you killed those mercenaries. Your army's gone.

Brain: We destroyed Elwood and I shot those mercenaries, that's what you saw, right? However, those were only a fraction of the mercenaries that Buster hired. Do you think that we'd assign all of our precious soldiers to that little shitbox called Elwood City?

Arthur: You bastards...I'm gonna fucking kill you.

D.W.: Oh, yes. One more thing, Arthur. Crosswire was your father.

DUN DUN DUNNNN.

Arthur: WwwwwWHAT!?

D.W.: Mom and Dad went for a paternity test. I was at the clinic. Dad freaked out and slapped mom. He ran away. While everyone was distracted, I snuck into the offices and saw the results. Dave isn't your father. It was Mr. Crosswire.

Arthur: No...but...I slept with Muffy...

Brain: Yes, Arthur. You fucked your half-sister.

Arthur is in shock. Brain throws Arthur to the gound. He sprawls out across the pavement as D.W. comes up, still pointing the AK at him.

D.W.: You must feel pretty bad, Arthur. I guess I would feel sad for you. You know, if I gave some kind of a damn.

Arthur: What're you gonna do? Kill me? Take over the world?

Brain: Don't worry. We have our own plan in mind.

Brain grabs Arthur and Arthur reverses it, slamming Brain into the ground. Arthur backs up and starts to run, but D.W. fires the AK. A bullet digs into Arthur's leg and he falls forward.

Brain: Agh. Son of a bitch!

D.W.: I think we should just finish him off.

Brain grabs Arthur, whose leg is bleeding profusely. He drags him over to the edge of the bridge.

Brain: Any last words to say, Arthur?

Arthur: D.W. has you trained pretty good, doesn't she? How is she in bed? Better than the other 4-year-olds?

Brain grinds his teeth and slams Arthur's face against the railing of the bridge. He drags Arthur up and flings him out over the lake. D.W. fires up the AK and makes swiss cheese out of Arthur's body. He hangs in mid-air for a few seconds by the force of the bullets, and then he falls straight down. Crashes headfirst into the water and sinks below.

D.W.: *shouldering gun* There. Now we're free to proceed.

Brain: Right.

They both leave. Down in the water, Arthur sinks, unconscious. Blood swirls from his bullet holes as his body slowly comes to rest against the bottom of the lake next to a bundle of garbage bags.

A crime scene is set up at the bridge. The Mighty Mountain police chief exits his car and makes his way over to where the port authority have pulled up two waterlogged bodies.

Port Authority Dude: Found them here just a few hours ago. Some 4-year-old girl called in a tip. She was using a cell phone with a scrambler that played the Mary Moo Cow theme. We couldn't track her because of it.

Chief: We'll have to get working on that case then. Did you ID the bodies?

Port Authority Dude: The ID on the woman in the garbage bag says that she was Jane Read. The boy appears to be her son, Arthur Read.

Chief: No word on the father?

Port Authority Dude: The father seems to be unharmed. We haven't told him the news yet.

Chief: Guess we better get on that.

Read residence. Mr. Read sits and watches a Dane Cook special on Comedy Central. He scoffs.

Mr. Read: They let this shit on TV, but I flash my penis for two seconds and get banned from US television? What a fucked up country.

There is a knock at the door. Mr. Read shuts off the TV and goes to the door, looks through the peephole.

Mr. Read: FUCK! Cops!

Mr. Read retreats from the door and takes a few seconds to center himself. He smiles awkwardly and opens the door.

Mr. Read: Hello, officers? How can I service you today? I mean...help you?

The Chief takes off his hat. Proceeds slowly.

Chief: I don't come today bearing good news, Mr. Read. It's not the best part of this job, but someone's got to do it.

Mr. Read: Hm?

Chief: We discovered the deceased corpses of your wife and son today at the bottom of Mighty Mountain Lake.

Mr. Read's eyes go wide. He starts to sweat and fidget uncomfortably. He pauses, realizing something.

Mr. Read: Wait, Arthur's dead!?

Chief: And your wife.

Mr. Read: Ohh, oh yeah. I didn't know about that one either. Wha...ahem. Who do you think did this?

Chief: Right now, we don't know. We only found the bodies because we got an anonymous tip. But I swear to you on my mother's grave, I will find the cold-hearted son-of-a-bitch who killed your family.

Mr. Read: Uhhh...thanks. You know, this is a lot to handle. I think I'm gonna go up to bed now.

Mr. Read closes the door. He starts freaking out.

Mr. Read: What the fuck!? Now Arthur's dead too!? And an anonymous tip. Motherfucker, somebody's onto me. They could be watching right now...

Mr. Read runs and shuts the blinds. He runs upstairs and fishes a key from his pocket, using it to unlock a hallway door to reveal a gun rack studded with shotguns. He takes one and straps it to his back while he holds another in his hands. He patrols the house and makes sure that the doors are securely locked, then he sits on the couch.

Mr. Read: Whoever that motherfucker is, he's not getting in.

D.W.: Too bad I'm already in here then, right?

***

Brain enters his house. It's about 7 in the morning and everyone is still asleep. He quietly tiptoes upstairs and into his room, closing the door. He reaches for the light switch but the lights flip on before he has a chance to touch it. Fern is sitting on his bed.

Brain: Fern! What the hell are you doing here?

Fern: I had to come back. I thought our plan was about establishing a military government over the world. Not about manipulating 8-year-old boys to destroy little shitbox towns.

Brain: It's all about a build-up. You've got to start small.

Fern: You would know all about small, wouldn't you?

Brain: Come on, don't say that. You said yourself that I really know how to use it.

They stare at each other for a second before they rush at each other and begin to make out.

Brain: Damn, baby, I've missed you so much...

They move over to the bed and begin to undress, continuing to make out.

Fern: Screw taking off the shirt, just go for it!

Brain: You've never taken an inch this hard before, baby!

Brain goes for it. Between his grunts, Fern's moans, and the bed hitting the wall, a lot of noise is being produced.

Brain's father, Mr. Powers, is woken up by the thumping and pulls himself out of bed.

Mr. Powers: What the hell is going on?

Mr. Powers follows the thumping to Brain's room. Slowly nudges the door open.

Mr. Powers: Alan, what's all that -- DEAR GOD!!

Brain sees his dad just as he hits his climax.

Brain: DaaaaAAAAAD! NOOOO!!!!

A little while later, Brain and Fern sit at the Powers' dinner table with Mr. and Mrs. Powers sitting across from them.

Mr. Powers: Now, Alan, we understand that you're a man and you have...needs...

Brain: *facepalm* Oh god no...

Mrs. Powers: We're just worried. We want you kids to be safe. Were you using a condom?

Brain: Mom!

Fern: It's okay, Brain. It's good that your parents are trying to help. My parents would freak. They're pretty religious, but a lot of times they take it overboard. A lot of the stuff they say isn't even mentioned in Judaism.

Mr. Powers: Judaism?

Mrs. Powers: Oh no...

Fern: Yes, they're Jewish.

Brain: *getting up and pulling on Fern's arm* Fern, let's go.

Mr. Powers: GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE YOU DAMN JEW!

Brain and Fern begin to run while Mr. Powers undoes his belt and goes after them.

Mr. Powers: I won't have no damn Jewish harlot in my house!! Much less sleeping with my son!!

Brain and Fern escape from the house and run down the block. Mr. Powers soon gets exhausted and stops.

Back at the Read Residence, Mr. Read is in the garage devoid of clothing. He is tied to a chair. D.W. paces back and forth in front of him, a crowbar in hand.

D.W.: Oh, Dad. Quite the accomplished killer, aren't you? The way you did mom in and then dumped her body? Oh, and lying to the police too. Oohh, you're so dangerous.

D.W. swings the crowbar across his face. It smacks him on the cheek, causing a stream of blood to fly from his mouth. He spits and pants, glaring at her.

D.W.: You seemed pretty shocked when Arthur died, but you have no qualms about killing your wife?

D.W. gets in close until they are face-to-face.

D.W.: And what about me? Do you want to kill me right now?

D.W. brings the crowbar across his face again. He screams and spits out more blood.

D.W.: The thing is, I don't even have any reason to kill you. There's no point. You can't do jack-shit to stop our plans, and even if you try you'll just end up getting killed anyway.

D.W. walks over to a shelf and picks up a gasoline can. She starts pouring it around.

D.W.: You're a pretty cheap man. I can tell by how crappy the drywall in this garage is. It's the kind that goes up in flames with no hesitation.

D.W. throws the empty gas can aside and pulls out a lighter.

D.W.: I won't kill you myself. If you can find a way out of here, then you'll earn the pleasure of living. I have to go now anyway. Goodbye, Daddy.

D.W. lights the flame and leaves, dropping the lighter onto the gasoline. It spreads in seconds, speeding along the spilled gasoline and licking up the drywall. Soon the entire garage is doused in flames, leaving Mr. Read in the middle: naked and struggling for freedom. He writhes against the ropes, but they won't come loose.

Mr. Read: Help! Somebody! HELP!!

He struggles against the ropes, and his chair tips over. He slams into the floor, still bound. Screams for help. The smoke builds in the small room, and he eventually goes unsconscious.

In front of the burning house, D.W. walks over to the car with the AK-47. She puts on a pair of latex gloves and wipes her prints off the gun with a cloth. She opens the door and sticks it under the driver's seat, then she shuts the door and walks away from the wreckage.

Mr. Read regains consciousness and looks around. He's on his front lawn, his house in ashes. A young boy sits next to him.

Boy: Are you okay, sir?

Mr. Read coughs a bit and then sits up.

Mr. Read: I'll be fine... Did you pull me out of there?

Boy: I heard you screaming. Instincts just took over.

Mr. Read: Thank you so much. What's your name?

Boy: My name's Nediar.

Mr. Read: Hmm...strange name. But thanks nevertheless.

Nediar: D.W. started that fire, didn't she?

Mr. Read: Yeah, how the hell did you know that?

Nediar: Arthur told me she'd do it.

Mr. Read: Arthur? That's...impossible. Arthur's dead.

Nediar: It was in a dream. He told me it'd happen today, at exactly this time. That's the reason I was so close to here. I wanted to see if it was true.

Mr. Read: Strange... What else has he told you?

Nediar: The truth about Elwood... He told me that since he's gone now, I have to take his place and stop Brain and D.W.

Mr. Read: So Brain and D.W. were behind the Elwood bombing?

Nediar: Yes.

Mr. Read: What the hell is going on around here?

Nediar: He told me that D.W. would be heading for the Elwood ruins.

Mr. Read: Why would anyone want to go there?

Nediar: Since it was bombed they cleaned it up and started using it as a secret military facility. They keep people out by saying there's nuclear radiation around there from the bombs. I'll bet that the ones who had it built were none other than D.W. and Brain.

Mr. Read: So you're gonna have to kill D.W.?

Nediar: Yes. I know she's your daughter, and --

Mr. Read: I'm coming with you.

Elwood ruins. The outer walls look like nothing but the ruins of shops and buildings. But inside the walls is a giant complex that spans the length of the city. In the main office of this complex, Fern sits and looks at the plans.

Fern: We'll be ready to mobilize soon. Just as soon as we complete Phase 2.

D.W. enters the office, now donning a Mary Moo Cow-style military uniform.

D.W.: I took care of Dave. It doesn't matter if he got out or not. He can't do anything. And either way, we'll be safe here inside Darg Jynzorg.

Fern: Perfect. Brain's in the maintenence lab working on the weapon. After he's done we'll be ready.

D.W.: Hey, Fern, I noticed that when you say Darg Jynzorg backwards it says --

Fern: Just shut up.

D.W. scoffs and sits down. Outside the main office, in a large field, over 25,000 mercenaries run through training exercises.

hey OP, this will 404, can you give a link to this story in full?

Nediar sleeps. He tosses and turns, having another dream.

Arthur: Nediar, you've got to stop D.W. That bitch is in it to screw us all.

Nediar: But how do I do it? I have no idea. I'm not a legendary soldier like you, Arthur.

Arthur: Elwood. Go to Elwood...that's all I can tell you...

Nediar wakes up gasping.

The police chief sits at his desk. An officer comes in a puts a file down on his desk.

Officer: You're not gonna believe what we dug up on the Read case.

Chief: Don't tell me the kid was gay? I fucking knew it. You get these vibes, you know?

Officer: Um, no. That's not it.

Chief: Oh.

Officer: ...

Chief: ..........so what is it you found?

Officer: Turns out that the kid was killed by machine gun fire. AK-47 rounds, to be precise. Somebody emptied a whole cartridge into him. He was dead before he hit the water.

The Chief looks through the file.

Chief: Wait, it says here...

Officer: Yeah. We found the dad's prints on the mother. She died from extensive damage to the brain. More importantly, she'd been dead for at least 12 hours longer than the kid was. And that anonymous tip we got, the one from the 4-year-old girl, it's too weird.

Chief: You think the dad did it?

Officer: That's what it looks like judging from this. We also got report that the Read house burned down a bit after these bodies were found. The dad was nowhere to be found when firefighters arrived. Not even a body.

Chief: So we're looking at a manhunt then?

Officer: I'll put out an APB on this guy. We know pretty well that he killed the mother, but if we find some evidence of him having killed the kid then it looks like a manhunt.

Chief: I'm going out to the Read house. You put out that APB.

Officer: Yes, sir.

The Read house is barely more than ashes. The Chief steps over the burned debris.

Chief: What a dump...looks like the fire did this shitbox some good.

The Chief sees the cars. He goes over and tries the door. It's unlocked. He slips a small flashlight from his pocket and looks around the car. Searches the glove box. Finds nothing but condoms and lube. Throws them down in disgust.

He looks at the vanity mirror on the driver's side. Finds Mr. Read's driver's license and registration. Places them back. He searches the seats, feeling under them. Stops as his hand touches cold metal.

Chief: Holy mama!

He pulls out an AK-47.

Nediar eats breakfast. Mr. Read comes downstairs, yawning. He's wearing Nediar's clothes, which are terribly undersized.

Mr. Read: Thanks for letting me crash here.

Nediar: It's no problem.

Mr. Read: Hey, Nediar, I was bored last night and noticed that when your name's spelled backwards it says --

Nediar: We need to head out today.

Mr. Read: Today?

Nediar: Arthur came to me in the dream again. He said that D.W. and Brain are gonna act soon. We've got to go to Elwood.

Mr. Read: I guess I knew this day would come. Do you have any equipment?

Nediar finishes his breakfast.

Nediar: Yeah, it's in the garage. I'll go get it. You should eat something.

Mr. Read checks the fridge. Nediar's mother walks through. Sees Mr. Read and continues walking. Stops. Does a double-take and turns around.

Nediar's Mom: Uhm, excuse me. Who... ARE... you... and what're you doing in my son's clothes?

Mr. Read: Nediar let me stay the night. We're, uh... school buddies.

Nediar's Mom: Really? You're in 5th grade?

Mr. Read: ............................................Yes.

Nediar's Mom: Oh, okay. Well, make yourself at home. We have waffles if you want some.

Mr. Read: Fuck yes, waffles.

Mr. Read gets some waffles and sits at the table, picking up the newspaper. He doesn't get the chance to take a bite before he reads the headline: "MAN ACCUSED OF KILLING WIFE AND SON".

Mr. Read: *laughs* That damn Chris Benoit... I knew he'd snap soon.

Mr. Read looks below the Benoit story at a smaller headline which reads: "ELWOOD CITY MAN ACCUSED OF KILLING WIFE AND SON. $10 REWARD FOR CAPTURE." Below it is his picture.

Mr. Read: What the FUCK!?

Nediar comes in with a duffel bag.

Mr. Read: Nediar -- D.W., that bitch set me up!

Nediar: Huh?

Mr. Read: She killed Arthur and framed me for it!

Nediar: *looking at newspaper* And your wife, too!

Mr. Read: Oh...yeah, she killed my wife too. We've got to get the fuck out of here.

Nediar: Alright. Go get some shoes, they're upstairs in my closet. I'll go load the car.

Nediar runs outside while Mr. Read runs up to Nediar's room. He barely has time to get the shoes before he hears the doorbell.

Mr. Read: Mother --

Chief: *on megaphone* We know you're here, Mr. Read. We've got about ten witnesses out here who saw you go in there last night. Just come out with your hands up and we won't have to bitch slap you into submission. *turning to officer beside him* I'm probably gonna do that anyway. Don't hold me back.

The officer nods.

Officer: I'll join you.

Back at Darg Jynzorg, the mercenaries continue to train. Fern and D.W. watch them from a balcony.

D.W.: How's Brain coming along on the weapon?

Fern: *checking watch* Should be about done.

Fern presses a button on the railing and her voice rings out over a loudspeaker.

Fern: Call to attention!

The soldiers stop training and fall into rank.

Fern: I need all soldiers with an ID number from A001 to A099 to step out and form another block formation up front.

The soldiers who were called step out front.

Fern: You all came into this knowing you could lose your lives. What does it matter? You're only in it for the paycheck.

D.W.: So now, the first of your blood will be spilled to accomodate our glorious new weapon. Brain!

The hangar in front of the selected soldiers opens. A loud screeching of metal is heard, followed by thundering footsteps. The selected soldiers start to panic, looking at the new weapon nervously.

D.W.: Meet the first of its kind, model AG-0001, codename: ARTHUR GEAR!

A giant bipedal tank in the shape of Arthur walks out of the hangar. The soldiers look like ants compared to it.

In the cockpit, Brain pilots Arthur Gear.

Brain: Heh heh... Germans. Mecenaries. Looks like you'll finally die for a cause other than money.

Brain unleashes the vulcan cannons and tears half the soldiers to shreds. The rest begin to run as the field explodes into chaos.

Brain: *laughs maniacally* DIE!!

Arthur Gear raises its right leg and brings it down, effectively crushing at least 10 soldiers. The rest of the soldiers run for their lives but they're walled into the training field.

Brain: How about a couple of rockets then, you fucking Nazis!?

He is torn apart by machine gun fire.

D.W.: Wait, he's going after them all? He was only supposed to kill the first hundred!

Fern: Brain, what the fuck are you doing!?

Brain: You goddamn Nazis! TASTE MY PAIN!!!

Brain unleashes a powerful burst of machine gun fire that wipes out the remaining soldiers. One soldier lies gasping on the ground, crawling away. But his life is ended in a badass manner as Brain crushes him with Arthur Gear's leg.

Brain sits in the cockpit and laughs hysterically.

Brain: Fucking Germans. So far the score's USA - 3, Germany - NOTHING! HAHA!!

Fern's voice comes over the radio.

Fern: You little sperm, you wiped out our army!!

Brain: Were we really going to rely on a bunch of Germans anyway?

Fern: Now all we've got left are the 100 reserves posted outside you motherfucker!!

Brain: You'll thank me later. Don't worry, just one of us should be enough to take him on.

Arthur Gear turns and walks back into the hangar. D.W. grinds her teeth.

D.W.: Damn...!!

Fern: Now what?

The hangar doors slowly close behind Arthur Gear. Brain climbs out of the cockpit and beings to walk to the main office.

Fern and D.W. go back into the main office. Fern dials a number on a desk phone.

D.W.: What're you up to?

Fern: There's only one person we can call for this.

A man answers on the other line.

Man: Hello?

Fern: It's Fern. Put Sue Ellen on right now.

END